Family Ties Episode Transcript

Mallory's Graduation
Written By: Susan Borowitz
Directed by Sam Weisman
Transcribed by Harvey Hall

FADE IN: Kitchen
(Alex is reading a book on the counter. Jennifer comes in with a box full of stuff, about to go out of the door.)
ALEX: Hey, Jen, what do you got there?
Jennifer: Oh, we're cleaning out the attic. I gotta throw away all of this junk. (Sets the Box on the counter) 
Alex: Junk? Wait a minute, Jennifer, This isn't any old junk. This is my junk. The junk of the gods.
Jennifer: Mom said everything goes.
Alex: When Mom said everything goes, she didn't mean this. (Takes out a flattened basketball. Jennifer throws it on the floor, It's junk all right)
Jennifer: (Sarcasticly) What was Mom thinking?
Alex: I gotta tell you, Jen. There's a lot of memories in this box. Look at this. (Takes out a belt with a dollar sign embroidered on it) My Little baby money belt. (Puts it back and picks up a coloring book) Oh, my House Un-American Activities Coloring Book! (Takes the book out and picks up a lunch box with Nixon on it) My Richard Nixon lunchbox. I had such a happy childhood. 
Jennifer: (Putting the stuff back in the box) Real normal too.
(She takes the box and goes out through the living room way. Skippy comes in through the door with a pad)
Skippy: Hey Alex!
Alex: Hey Skipper, How's it going?
Skippy: Not Good. All this graduation stuff is really getting to me.
Alex: Like what?
Skippy: I have to pick a quote for the yearbook. (Takes out two yellow slips of paper) I have two here and I can't figure out what to use.
Alex: Let me see. (Takes the slips and reads them) "Each man must pursue justice, for only in justice is he truly free" (Reads the other one) or "Yabba-dabba-doo!" Either one will work, Skip. 
(He gives the slips to Skippy as he goes to the kitchen table to read his magazine. Elyse comes in with a blue dress)
Elyse: Is Mallory here yet?
Alex: She just called from the store, Mom. She'll be home any minute.
Elyse: Oh, good. Can't wait for her to see this. (Sets the dress on the counter)
Alex: What do you got?
Elyse: (Holds the dress up) It's my high school graduation dress. Thought maybe she'd want to wear it to her graduation.
Skippy: That's a great idea! I'm gonna go home to see if my mom has anything for me to wear. 
(He goes out the door as Steven comes in with clothes in a box marked "Trash")
Steven: Elyse, I found some of my favorite stuff in this box marked trash. Look what you through out by mistake. (Takes out a ripped up shirt)
Elyse: I didn't want to throw that out. I wanted to burn it.
(Nick and Mallory come in)
Nick: Hey! Hey!
Mallory: Hi!
Steven: Hey, Nick! Mal!
Nick: (Seeing the ripped shirt) Hey! That's a great shirt you got there, Mr. Keaton. You know, I've been looking for one just like that.
(Elyse snatches the shirt out of Steven's hands and gives it to Nick)
Mallory: (Picking up the dress) Wow! Great dress, Mom!
Elyse: It's my old graduation dress. Thought it'd be perfect for you to wear to your graduation.
Mallory: Yeah, thanks!
Nick: Hey, You're gonna look terrific in this.
Mallory: I love it! It's so old, it's in again.
Alex: By the time you graduate, Mal, it'll be in yet again.
Steven: Hey, we better take this stuff down to goodwill, Elyse. (He and Elyse go out the door. Nick, putting on the shirt, follows them.)
Nick: I'll move my bike for you.
(They all go out.)
Mallory: (Going to the table where Alex is sitting) Alex, can I talk to you?
Alex: (Putting down his book) If you have to. (gets up and goes to the fridge)
Mallory: I have a problem and I need your advice.
Alex: (Getting a soda) What is it?
Mallory: I'm in real trouble, Alex. I may not graduate.
Alex: (Stunned, closes the fridge and turns around) Why not?
Mallory: Well, for one thing, I'm flunking Mrs. Hillman's history class.
Alex: Oh, Mal! Is it hopeless, or are you flunking really badly?
Mallory: No, I'm flunking very well. There's still hope, though. I think on the last test, I may have pulled a D.
Alex: Mal, How could you let this happen?
Mallory: I don't know. It's spring, and the weather's been great. I've had a hard time concentrating.
Alex: Mallory, People don't stop thinking when the sun comes out. Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence in July when all the other founding fathers were at the beach.
Mallory: Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence?
Alex: Yes
Mallory: There goes my D.
Alex: (Going back to the table) Mallory, I warned you about this at the beginning of the year. Mrs. Hillman is a very tough teacher. I Know, I had her. (He sits down)
Mallory: Yeah, What'd she give you?
Alex: A-plus. (Takes a swig of his soda) But she said I had a bad attitude. How could you be doing so badly in history?
Mallory: (Sits down at the table next to him). Let's face it, Alex. You got the brains, I got the looks.
Alex: (Taken aback) Wait a minute, Mal. I got the brains and the looks. You got the better room.
Mallory: Alex, What am I gonna do?
Alex: I don't know. You want me to go in and talk to Mrs. Hillman for you?
Mallory: It's useless, Alex. She really has it in for me! She calls on me to answer questions all the time when she knows I don't study. What is she trying to prove?
(Alex is really stunned at this reasoning)

SCENE 2: Classroom
(Students are gathered around. The bell rings and everyone takes a seat and faces forward. Mrs. Hillman comes in and goes to her desk) 
Mrs. Hillman: Sorry I'm late, class. I trust you all had a good weekend. (Students grumble "Yeah". A nerdy boy named Walter raises his hand) Yes, Walter?
Walter: (Standing up) This weekend, I read three books on the suggested summer reading list, Mrs. Hillman.
Mrs. Hillman: You're a wild man, Walter. (He sits down) Now, I want to remind you that the final will be an oral exam given four weeks from today. Now if you clear your desks, take out a pencil or a pen, we're going to have a pop quiz. (The students are like "What?" as Mrs. Hillman distributes the papers to the students) The question is in the handout. Please use facts to back up your opinion on the essay. You have until the end of class. (Looks at her watch) Begin. (Everyone starts diligently writing, except for one certain student: Mallory. She looks lost and all around, then starts marking her paper. Mrs. Hillman is going around the room checking out quizzes and stops short at Mallory's desk and look over her paper) That's quite a little shoe you've drawn there, Mallory. But it doesn't really answer the question.
Mallory: Answers it better than my answer would.
Mrs. Hillman: Mallory. (Mrs. Hillman goes to her desk with Mallory following her) Mallory. I don't understand your attitude.
Mallory: What do you mean?
Mrs. Hillman: This isn't the first little shoe I've seen on one of your tests. (Picks up a folder and takes out a piece of paper) Now look at this paper you handed in last week on the history of New York City. (Reading) "It is very significant that the Pilgrims bought Manhattan Island for $24 because it established New York as a great place for bargains". (Looks at Mallory sternly) Mallory, I'm appalled. What possessed you to write that?
Mallory: I don't what to say, Mrs. Hillman. I try…I..I guess I don't understand the material.
Mrs. Hillman: You don't try, Mallory.
(She sits down. Walter gets up and raises his hand)
Walter: Mrs. Hillman, I'm done with this question. May I please write an essay on the basic land ordinance of 1785.
Mrs. Hillman:  No! (He sits back down, defeated. To Mallory) The Only reason why you're doing so poorly is because you refuse to apply yourself. Now I know you're a much more intelligent girl than you let on. 
Mallory: Why? Because I'm Alex's sister?
Mrs. Hillman: That has nothing to do with it. You know, Mallory, I've been trying to get through to you all year, but obviously without success. (She stands up) Okay, this is what it comes down to. If you don't get a B on the final exam, you're going to flunk. And if that happens, you're not going to graduate. (She starts writing on the blackboard)
Mallory: A B? Mrs. Hillman, I can't get a B! I'm supposed to go to Grant Junior College. If I don't graduate, they're not gonna take me! Can I have, can I have a make-up exam or some extra credit assignments?
Mrs. Hillman: (faces Mallory) I'm not going to break the rules for you. The only way you're going to pass is to sit down and start studying for that final.
Mallory: But it's in four weeks!
Mrs. Hillman: You should have thought of that before. 
(She continues to write on the board.)

SCENE 3: Living room
(Mallory is a nervous wreck while Jennifer and Alex sit on the couch with her)
Jennifer: I think you should tell them, Mal.
Mallory: I can't, Jennifer. If I tell them I'm not graduating, they'll kill me.
Alex: Look, Mallory. Mom and Dad will be at the graduation. Now, if you're not there, they're gonna realize something's up.
Mallory: (Getting up and going to the side) I can't believe I'm not graduating. You said it all along, Alex, You said I wouldn't graduate, and I'm not.
Alex: Mallory, when I said you wouldn't graduate, it wasn't a dare.
Jennifer: Look, Mal. I think you should tell them. And don't worry, They'll understand. Mom and Dad could put this into perspective.
(Steven and Elyse come in- Elyse with the dress and Steven with a picture frame)
Elyse: (To Mallory) Hi, Honey! I had the dress altered for you. I'm so excited you're going to be wearing it your graduation. It really means a lot to me.
Steven: (Holding up the frame) What do you think of this frame, Mal? I think your diploma would look great in here.
Mallory: It looks nice the way it is, Dad.
Elyse: You wanna try this on now?
Mallory: No, Mom, There's plenty of time for that.
Elyse: No, there isn't
Alex: Mom, There's time. Trust her. Come on, Jen.
(Alex and Jennifer go out of the room. Steven sits on the couch and Mallory goes over to the table)
Mallory: Mom, Dad, There's something I have to tell you. This isn't easy for me and it's not gonna make you happy. I won't like it anymore than you will. You know, I don't know why we got to put ourselves through this. In fact, I don't even know why we're even having this conversation.
Steven: I'm a little fuzzy on it myself.
Mallory: Okay, I'm failing history. Unless I get a B on my final, which is not likely, I'm not gonna graduate.
Elyse: Not graduate?
Steven: Why is it the first we're hearing of this?
Mallory: I didn't mention it before?
Steven: No. (Elyse puts her hand on her head, obviously pissed off)
Mallory: I guess I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, that I'd get that diploma somehow.
Elyse: How did you plan on getting that diploma, Mal? By going to the mall four nights a week? By spending all that time with Nick? By talking on the phone all hours?
Mallory: Okay, that didn't work.
Elyse: I'm real glad you can see the humor in this because I can't! 
Mallory: What do you want me to do?
Elyse: I want you to start taking things seriously! I want you to grow up!
Mallory: Mom, Don't yell at me! I feel bad enough already.
Elyse: Sometimes I have to yell at you. It's the only way I can get through to you these days!
Steven: Come on, Elyse. Getting upset isn't going to help. (To Mallory) HOW COULD YOU DO THIS, MALLORY?! 
Mallory: (Crossing over to the fireplace) I didn't want to!
Steven: Can't you make the grade up at all?
Mallory: I don't know! My teacher's so unfair to me. I asked her if I could do extra credit. She said (Dramatically) "No, Mallory. You have to get a B on the final or else". There's no way I'm gonna be able to do that!
Elyse: There's still time.
Mallory: Come on, Mom. I can't learn a year's worth of work in four weeks! Can't you guys talk to Mrs. Hillman for me?
Elyse: Why, Mallory? What are we going to say, that she should let you graduate even though you didn't do the work and you don't deserve it?
Mallory: Okay, but put it in your own words.
Elyse: If that's your attitude, just fine. Don't graduate!
Mallory: (crossing over to her) What do you want me to do?
Steven: I think your only choice is to sit down and study as hard as you can!
Mallory: Dad, what would be the point? I would still flunk! I'm not smart! There's no way I can do this!
Elyse: You are smart, Mallory. You just don't apply yourself. Your teachers have always said that.
Steven: If you give up on this, you're not giving yourself a chance. Now, this time it's too important.
Mallory: (Sitting down in a chair) I'm scared.
Elyse: You have no choice.

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FADE IN: Kitchen
(Elyse, Steven and Jennifer are doing some chores. Alex and Ellen come in. Alex has a big box of stuff)
Alex: Hey how's it going! (everyone says hello to them as Alex sets down his box of stuff) Where's Mallory? I have some things for her. 
Elyse: Oh, she's at the library, studying.
Alex: No, I mean, Mallory.
Jennifer: She's at the library studying, Alex.
Alex: All right, don't tell me.
Ellen: Come on, Alex, give her credit. She's really been buckling down these past two weeks.
Steven: It's amazing, She hasn't gone shopping once in that time.
Jennifer: Yeah, we just got a letter from the Columbus Merchants Association. Retail sales are way down. They offered to start a high school and graduate her from it.
(Mallory and Nick come in with their arms full of books and set them down on the kitchen table)
Mallory: Hi! 
Everyone: Hi!
Nick: Hey!
Steven: Hey
Mallory: Thanks for helping me study, Nick. (She sits down)
Nick: Oh sure, Mal. Glad I could help. You know, I wanna see you graduate, Mal. I want to see your name on that old pigskin.
Mallory: Sheepskin, Nick. 
Nick: Oh, You are so smart!
(The family comes by and surrounds her)
Alex: Hey, How's it going?
Steven: Can we help you at all?
Mallory: No, I really got to do this on my own.
Elyse: Okay, We'll leave you alone.
Jennifer: You just study, Mal.
Steven: We won't get in your way. Just pretend we're not in the same room. 
(Everyone gets up from the table as Mallory starts to read, but everyone just stands back and looks right dead at her. They slowly creep up and look over her. Mallory looks up and sees them all on her.)
Alex: All right, okay, give her some air. (Backs them up) Come on, give her some air. These brain cells need all the oxygen they can get.
Elyse: We were just going.
Alex: (Giving her his box of stuff) Listen, before we go, Mallory. I got some, eh, inspirational study aids here for you. (He takes out a picture of the signing of the Declaration of Independence and puts it on the wall.) There. And of course. (Takes out a small picture frame of his favorite person, himself, and sets it down next to her) And this is the best one. Remember when I was in that high school play I played Abe Lincoln? Whenever I do a history paper, I wear this to get me in the mood. (Takes out a Lincoln stovetop hat and puts it on his head. Everyone snickers) What? What's so funny?
Ellen: You look like a little stove.
Mallory: Thanks, Alex.
Alex: (Putting the coveted hat on her head) Now, listen. Just memorize the facts, okay? Don't try to (Pats the hat down) learn anything. You'll just hurt yourself.
Ellen: Alex, that's terrible advice!
Elyse: (While she is speaking, she pats the hat further down on Mallory's head) But the facts won't help her if she doesn't know what they mean!
Steven: Elyse, she has a limited time here. It's best for her to know a lot of facts and a few little theories.
Alex: (Smacking the hat even further down, almost covering Mallory's head) He's right, Mom. This is no time for theories.
Jennifer: Just remember the facts, Mallory.
Nick: Hey, flunking out is not so bad.
(Everyone starts arguing. Mallory takes off the hat and calms everyone down)
Mallory: EXCUSE ME! Excuse me! Look, I appreciate your support but I got to get this studying done. I'm the one who has to be tested, so I really got to do this on my own. Thanks anyway. (Everyone backs away from her and starts to go about their business) Where'd I put my pen?
(Everyone whips out a pen and offers them to her)

SCENE 4: Kitchen
(It is a few days later. Mallory is sleeping on one of her books at the kitchen table. Alex comes up and nudges her a bit. She wakes up with a jolt and he sits down next to her) 
Mallory: (sleepily) Hi, Alex.
Alex: Hi, Mal. It's after two in the morning. You were asleep.
Mallory: No, I wasn't. I was just reading. Very closely.
Alex: You should go on up. Your exam's in the morning. You're gonna want to get some sleep. (Goes to the fridge and opens in)
Mallory: No, I just want to go over this one more time.
Alex: (Taking out the milk and getting a glass to drink) You know, Mal. You've studied more in the past four weeks than you ever have in your entire life. You got to remember- in the last 18 years, your brain has remained relatively unused. You can't just throw it into action, it might cramp up. 
Mallory: Alex, I know you think this is a joke, but I have been working very hard.
Alex: (Taking his glass of milk to the table and sits down) I know you have. I've been watching you study. Been bucking down. I'm impressed. You're gonna do well on this exam tomorrow.
Mallory: (Smiling a bit) You really think so?
Alex: Yeah.
Mallory: You really think I'm smart?
Alex: (pondering this) Yeah.
Mallory: Smarter than you?
Alex: Let's stay in the real world.
(He drinks his milk as Mallory studies)

SCENE 5: Classroom
(Mallory is waiting outside the door. Skippy is in the middle of his oral exam with Mrs. Hillman)
Mrs. Hillman: Okay, Skippy. This is your last question. Give me three results of the Civil War.
Skippy: The Union Pacific Railroad was built, the Southern plantation economy was destroyed, and Rhett and Scarlett got a divorce.
Mrs. Hillman: Are you sure about that last one?
Skippy: Maybe they just separated.
Mrs. Hillman: Okay, Skippy, that's it. You can go.
Skippy: Thank you very much, Mrs. Hillman. (He gets up as Mallory comes in the door)
Mallory: Hey Skippy, how'd it go?
Skippy: Uh, I think I got somewhere between an A and a F. (He leaves)
Mrs. Hillman: Mallory, sit down. (She takes a seat at the front row) So, Have you been studying?
Mallory: Yes, a lot.
Mrs. Hillman: Good. Well, good luck.
Mallory: Thank you.
Mrs. Hillman: Okay, I'm gonna ask you six questions. I want you to think about what you're going to say and be brief and to the point. Ready?
Mallory: Uh huh.
Mrs. Hillman: "What was the Louisiana Purchase and how did it affect Thomas Jefferson's presidency?"
(Mrs. Hillman gets up and walks slowly about Mallory)
Mallory: Thomas Jefferson wanted some land, and uh, Napoleon had some…uh, (Mrs. Hillman cannot believe what she is hearing) So he finally bought it for $15 million dollars, which wasn't a bad price considering it was from France.
Mrs. Hillman: I thought you said you studied.
Mallory: I did.
Mrs. Hillman: That answer was gibberish. Now tell me the answer in complete and coherent English.
Mallory: I don't know what you mean.
Mrs. Hillman: (Crossing back to her desk) Then you're going to flunk and you won't graduate.
Mallory: Mrs. Hillman…
Mrs. Hillman: When are you going to drop this charade and start acting like an intelligent young woman?
Mallory: I'm doing the best I can.
Mrs. Hillman: Mallory, if this is the best you can do, than obviously I overestimated you.
Mallory: (getting up from her desk and getting defensive) How can you say that? I've been studying my head off for four weeks! What do you want from me?
Mrs. Hillman: An intelligent answer. Now, come on! How did the Louisiana Purchase affect Thomas Jefferson's presidency? Tell me what you think, intelligently! Can you do that? Or would you rather…
Mallory: (In a burst of rage) The Louisiana Purchase was difficult for Jefferson because he supported states' rights, and when he made the purchase, he was doing more for federal powers so he lost political backing for the people who were involved in states rights! (Mrs. Hillman is thrilled- Mallory finally did something right for once!) I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.
Mrs. Hillman: Mallory! That's what I want from you! Now that was an intelligent answer!
Mallory: It was?
Mrs. Hillman: Yes, it was. (Mallory is beaming with delight) You want to try another one?
Mallory: Well, we're here. We have the room for another hour. 
(Mallory sits down at the desk and Mrs. Hillman sits on her desk again) 
Mrs. Hillman: Okay, what was the primary reason for the Era of Good Feeling during the presidency of James Monroe?
Mallory: Monroe's opposing political party, the Whigs, was badly weakened because they didn't support the War of 1812, so Monroe was able to get all of his ideas through Congress without anyone opposing him.
Mrs. Hillman: (Gets up from her desk) Finally, the real Mallory Keaton. 
(She takes Mallory's hand and shakes it)

SCENE 7: Auditorium
(It's Graduation Day and all of the students in caps and gowns and teachers prepare for the ceremony. Nick, Ellen and Alex come in)
Nick: Yep, the Old High School Auditorium. You know, I got some great memories of this place.
Alex: Yeah, I'm sure the police share those memories with you.
(Jennifer, Elyse and Steven are there looking at their programs)
Jennifer: Here come the graduates. (Mallory and Skippy come up to them) Smile. (She takes their picture with her camera)
Steven: Congratulations, you two!
Elyse: Oh, honey! I'm so proud of you.
Skippy: Oh, go on!
Elyse: Uh, Mallory, we're proud of you, too. 
(She hugs Mallory and gives Steven a little kiss on the cheek)
Mallory: Well, I made it.
Steven: You worked hard and it paid off.
Mallory: Well, You forced me to work hard.
Elyse: We didn't force you. We encouraged you.
Mallory: Forcefully. (She sees Mrs. Hillman at the other side of the room shaking hands) Excuse me for a minute. I want to go talk to Mrs. Hillman. (She goes to Mrs. Hillman) Mrs. Hillman.
Mrs. Hillman: Hi! Hey, you look great in a cap and gown! As a matter of fact, you look wonderful.
Mallory: Maybe I should graduate more often. (They laugh a little) Mrs. Hillman, why did you do it? Why'd you spend so much time on me?
Mrs. Hillman: Because I believe in you, Mallory. You know, when I was in school, I saw so many girls like you who were smart but they just didn't try and acted dumb. There was this ridiculous notion that they can get dates more easily that way.
Mallory: Well, did they?
Mrs. Hillman: Well, yes, but that's not the point. Once you're out of high school, everything changes and being dumb doesn't get you anything.
(Dr. Schulte, the principal, goes to the podium and gets everyone to take seats)
Dr. Schulte: Please be seated. Please, everyone take your seats. Thank you. (Everyone sits down in their respective places) Parents, students, teachers, friends, welcome to Graduation '86!
(Everyone applauds as the episode ends)