Notes: "..." Indicates a long pause [] Actions and setting, not dialog <> Stage directions, entering, exiting, etc. *** Unknown word or phrase (if you can shed any light on any of these unknown words, please e-mail me) SCENE 1[Kitchen -- with Jennifer and Andy. Jennifer is making hot cocoa.] JENNIFER: Mom, Dad, and Alex, and Mallory will be back from the funeral real soon. And after we finish our cocoa, you and I are going to play jacks, and then we're gonna play poker, and if they're not back by then, you and I are going to Mexico. ANDY: What's a funeral? JENNIFER: Well, a funeral is where you go to show respect for someone who died. ANDY: Who died? JENNIFER: Greg, Alex's friend. ANDY: I would like to meet him. JENNIFER: That's gonna be tough. You see, when someone dies you never see them again. ANDY: Why? JENNIFER: Because they're dead. ANDY: Why? JENNIFER: Because their life's over, that's all. ANDY: But why? JENNIFER: Because! ANDY: [a pause] ...Where do babies come from? ELYSE: Hi. STEVEN: Hello. ANDY: If you didn't come back we were gonna go to Mexico. ELYSE: What? JENNIFER: It was a long afternoon. Come on Andy, we'll go look at travel brochures. ELYSE: You alright? STEVEN: It's just crazy -- so hard to accept. MALLORY: He was only 21. ELYSE: I tried talking to his mother, but all I could say was "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." STEVEN: What else can you say? People are in shock. Look at Alex. ELYSE: Everyone has their own personal way of grieving. ALEX: Was that a funeral or what? I mean people showed up, I like that. All the guys were there showing their respect. And showing respect for the dead is very important, 'cause the dead have an image problem. Don't you think, mom? ELYSE: I've always felt that. Honey, I think you should go upstairs and lie down -- get some rest. ALEX: No, ma, I don't wanna lie down, I'm fine, I'm fine. Hey! I'm a lucky guy. Real lucky. I was supposed to be in that car with Greg. But I wasn't. He said, "Alex, come with me, I have to help my brother move a piano. Short drive -- fifteen minutes out of your life." What do I say? "No way, Greg, I'm busy now." And why? Because I didn't want to be bothered. Because I'm selfish. Do you believe that? Selfishness saved my life! I knew it would come in handy! ELYSE: Honey, I really think you should lie down, you need... ALEX: Mom, mom, mom, mommy, mommy, I don't wanna lie down now, okay? I wanna stay up and keep moving. ELYSE: Okay. ALEX: How about my eulogy? Huh, was that great? I was up all night working on that. How would you rate that? Great? Incredible? Unbelievably touching? What? STEVEN: I don't think it was necessary to mention his net worth. ALEX: Are you kidding me? Dad, people loved that. STEVEN: Maybe so, but I thought you could have stopped there. No need to get into projected earnings. MALLORY: I agree with dad. It was really **** ALEX: Yeah, well I didn't find your comments particularly apropos either, Mal. MALLORY: Me, not apropos? Ha! ALEX: He's lying there in the coffin, you don't have to say his tie didn't go with his suit. MALLORY: Well they didn't, Alex. Please! Brown and grey? I wouldn't be caught dead in those colors. [Mallory covers her mouth as she realizes what she said] ELYSE: You know, maybe our time would be better spent remembering what a special young man Greg was. ALEX: Yeah, yeah. I like your thinking mommy. Why don't you kick it off? ELYSE: I remember when Andy was born Greg gave me a Bible. And he said, "Mrs. Keaton, I know you're not a particularly religious person, but if this turns out to be another Alex, you're gonna need it." ALEX: That Gregor. STEVEN: What a sports nut. I don't think anyone loved the Indians as much as Greg did. I don't think I ever saw him without his Indians cap on. ALEX: Yeah, they should have buried him in it. MALLORY: ...It wouldn't have gone with the suit. ALEX: What's the difference? The tie already ruined the suit! STEVEN: And that ends the remembering portion of our program. Uh, why don't we just go upstairs and get changed? ALEX: Greg... Greg... What are you doing here? You're dead. GREG: And you're alive. That's no reason we can't be friends. I'm not saying we can double date anymore, but, ah... ALEX: ...Gregor is back! [hugs Greg violently] [ALEX is left hugging himself] ALEX: Hey, how ya' doing? It's a new dance I'm working on. The Keaton samba. Come on, try it. Everybody! STEVEN: Alex, why don't you come on up? ALEX: Oh, I can't, dad. I'm not finished with the dance. I'm making a real breakthrough with it. It's just, I-I don't know whether to end it with a dip or a twist. STEVEN: Alex, you've experienced a great loss here. You can't expect to answer all the questions or, uh, expect pain to go away in one night. Don't rush yourself through this, time is what you need. ALEX: Alright, thanks dad, thanks. GREG: Come on, Alex! You promised! I have to help my brother move a piano. ALEX: No way, Greg, I'm busy. GREG: It's a short drive, fifteen minutes out of your life. ALEX: No, Gregor, no. I'm sorry, I'm not going. Now you were one hour and forty-seven minutes late, and I have a schedule to keep. There are women in need of my attention lined up all over this city. GREG: Who are you kidding Alex, you haven't had a date in three months. ALEX: Can you imagine what that's doing to these women? We could have a riot on our hands. GREG: You told me you'd help, and I promised my brother you'd be there. ALEX: Nope, Greg, I'm sorry. Busy man here. Okay? Next time, be on time. GREG: Fine. [Alex walks over to the table, then realizes that Greg would die on that trip. He runs to the door] ALEX: No! No, Gregor, no! No, don't go! Come back! SCENE 2 [Living room -- close on Alex. We cannot see who he's talking to] ALEX: I keep asking myself, "Is there a better way? Is there another way to pass through this existence?" And, and I've always admired people who have religion in their lives, how it always brings such comfort to them. TIMOTHY: Um, hum. ALEX: Brother Timothy, I've lost a very close friend. I mean one moment he was here and then...he was gone and I feel so lost. TIMOTHY: Um, hum. ALEX: And I find myself questioning everything, I mean, who am I? Why am I here? Why are you here? TIMOTHY: Well, I'm here because you called me on the telephone. ALEX: ...Well, that clears that one up. TIMOTHY: I want to help you, Alex. How can I help? ALEX: Brother Timothy, I've given this quite a lot of thought. And I am quite serious when I say...I think I want to be a monk. TIMOTHY: Um, hum. ALEX: There is, however, ah, one question that I must ask. TIMOTHY: No girls. ALEX: That was it. Okay...now when you say "No girls" does that mean, you know, not even on weekends? TIMOTHY: Not even on Valentine's Day. ALEX: Alright, but what if you're wrong, I mean, I mean, what if you weren't meant to be a monk? I mean, you are giving up a tremendous thing with these girls here. TIMOTHY: ...Do you have anything else on your mind? ALEX: I-I'm sorry, I-forgive me, okay. It's just this no girl rule is a toughy for me. [Knock on the door, Alex answers it] SKIPPY: Hi, Alex. ALEX: Hey, Skippy. SKIPPY: Who's the monk? ALEX: Brother Timothy, I'd like you to meet Erwin Handelman, my neighbor. TIMOTHY: How do you do, Erwin? SKIPPY: Well, fine, thank you, sir. ...Uh...so...what brings a monk like you into this neck of the woods? TIMOTHY: Well, Alex has been questioning me about the practical and philosophical aspects of the monastic life. SKIPPY: Uh huh...And what did you say? TIMOTHY: Well, Erwin, I've been explaining to Alex that a monk must take sacred vows of obedience, poverty, and chastity. SKIPPY: So you mean do what you're told, always be broke, and never have a date? TIMOTHY: Um, hum. SKIPPY: I may already be a monk and not know it. [Noise outside] ALEX: Ah, that's my, ah, that's my parents. Um, they're not gonna really understand this, so, I-I-I was wondering, wo-would you consider leaving? TIMOTHY: Um, hum. STEVEN: Oh, hi. ALEX: Mom, dad, hi. This is Brother Timothy. STEVEN: Hello. Is that your donkey out there? SKIPPY: He's here to talk to Alex about being a monk. ELYSE: Are you thinking of becoming a monk, Alex? ALEX: I'm, uh, toying with it, ma. TIMOTHY: I wouldn't concern myself too much, Mrs. Keaton. I really can't picture Alex in a monastery, renouncing all his worldly possessions, taking a vow of poverty, getting up every morning at dawn and scrubbing floors all day dressed in sandals and a robe. MALLORY: I say let him give it a shot. SCENE 3 [Kitchen -- Alex is sitting at the table studying, tapping his pencil on a glass of juice. He taps too hard the juice spills all over his books and clothes] ALEX: As though it's not enough to loose one of my dearest friends, let me pour juice all over myself. GREG: Nice going, Alex. ALEX: Gregor. GREG: Hi. ALEX: Gregor. [hugs] GREG: I hope you don't mind me dropping by. ALEX: Oh, no, no, I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here, but, ah, it's just a little strange. Um, my, my, parents heard me talking to you earlier, and, ah, they think I'm seeing ghosts. So I wonder if I, if I brought them down here would you say hi? GREG: Sure, hi and maybe boo? ALEX: Greg, Greg, Greg, There, there, ah, there's a lot I have to say to you, okay? There's a lot I want to talk to you about. GREG: I know, Alex. But a dead guy walks into your kitchen and you don't offer him something to eat? I mean a peanut butter sandwich? ALEX: Oh! I'm sorry. I-I-I wasn't thinking, I-I don't know the etiquette in these things. You're the only guy I know who is dead...and comes to visit me. [He gets food from the refrigerator] GREG: Hey, economic final! I almost forgot about that. You gotta admit I got a fabulous excuse for missing that one. ALEX: You don't even need a note. GREG: Well, I'll come back another time, I know how important your grades are to you. ALEX: No, hey, don't leave. What are you kidding me? What are you kidding me? You're more important to me than this. I don't, I don't even know why I'm bothering. This stuff is meaningless. [he throws the books off the table] Look, ah, I mean, I mean, I mean what's the use of busting my tail to try and build a future for myself. I mean, maybe I don't have a future. I mean, look what happened to you. GREG: Yeah, but it didn't happen to you Alex, you're still alive. You gotta keep living. ALEX: I'm sorry, Greg. I'm sorry. I should have gone with you to your brother's. GREG: What for, you'd be dead? ALEX: I don't care! I don't care! I should -- I was lazy! I didn't want to go. GREG: Alex! ALEX: No, let me finish! Just let me finish! MALLORY: No one's stopping you, Alex. ALEX: Hi, Mal. MALLORY: You just in here talking to yourself? ALEX: ...No, no, I wasn't talking to myself. ...I was talking to Greg. MALLORY: Oh, that's better. ALEX: I was supposed to be in that car with him, Mal. MALLORY: Yeah, but you weren't. ALEX: I wasn't, I wasn't, I wasn't. You know why? Because I was lazy. Because I was small. Because I couldn't be bothered. My life was saved out of smallness. Out of lack of generosity to a friend. I just don't get it, Mal. Why am I still alive? MALLORY: You're still alive to aggravate me. ALEX: No, no, that's not why I'm still alive. MALLORY: I'm just joking, Alex. ALEX: No, I should have been with Greg. I should have been sitting right next to him. I want answers, okay? 'Cause I can't go on like this. Why am I alive? Why am I alive?!? Why am I alive?!? Why am I alive? ELYSE: [hugging Alex] We're going to help you honey. STEVEN: Alex, Alex, we're going to help. SCENE 4 (The Famous Psychiatrist Scene) [NOTES about this scene you know: it is a thirty minute scene with no commercial breaks and is one of the most famous scenes in the history of television. There are a lot of flashbacks in this scene, but the dialog does give ample clues to how old everyone is (i.e., just because 21-year-old Alex is standing there, he may be playing 7-year-old Alex, but what he says will tell us he is 6 years old). The stage is set up like a semicircle with most of the stage in total darkness the entire time. To the far right of the stage from the audience's point of view is the frame of a psychiatrist office (labeled OFFICE in this script): a chair, a window, and a wall with diplomas. The psychiatrist is never seen. Behind and to the left of OFFICE is the Keaton's kitchen (KITCHEN), or a smaller version of it, just a table, chairs, refrigerator, and oven. To the left of KITCHEN is a classroom, called CLASS, with a teacher's desk, student's desks, a chalkboard, and radiator. To the left of CLASS is JENNIFER'S ROOM, with a bed and posters on a wall. To the left and in front of JENNIFER'S ROOM is MALLORY'S ROOM, with lots of clothes and makeup. The area in the middle of all this will be called CENTER, it has no props or set. CLASS JENNIFER'S ROOM KITCHEN MALLORY'S ROOM CENTER OFFICE [OFFICE -- no other area lit. Alex is in chair] ALEX: My name is Alex Keaton. I'm twenty-one years old. I'm, ah, I'm a junior at Leland University. I'm majoring in economics. Actually it's a double major: economics and business. Actually I'm majoring in money. Anything to do with money. I've been attached to money ever since I was a kid. PSYCHIATRIST: Let's talk about your childhood a little. ALEX: Uh, yeah. Normal childhood. I did the things that all kids do. Liked to color, liked to fingerpaint. ...Play the stock market. Usual things. PSYCHIATRIST: You liked money even then. ALEX: Love at first sight. When I was in nursery school they used to blindfold me and drop coins into a piggy bank -- I could identify the different coins by the sound. Deep bass of a quarter -- plunk! Lilt of the dime -- plink! Sweet swish of a dollar bill -- swish! [Coins heard off stage hitting the floor] Two dimes, a quarter, and three pennies. PSYCHIATRIST: You're very good. ALEX: Thank you. PSYCHIATRIST: Your mother says you're not sleeping well, you're not eating? You're troubled by visions, for one of the better words? [KITCHEN lights up, Elyse is there] ALEX: That's not exactly true. ELYSE: Yes it is, Alex. You don't sleep at all. [Alex walks to KITCHEN] ELYSE: You're a seven-year-old boy, you need your rest. How much sleep did you get last night? ALEX: Last night? Twenty minutes, but they were twenty quality minutes! ELYSE: Alex. ALEX: Mom, last night was special. I-I was going over the transcripts -- I found a flaw in John Dean's testimony. ELYSE: This has got to stop, Alex. Our phone bill to the White House has gotten out of hand. ALEX: Mom, can I please stay home and watch the hearings on TV? ELYSE: No. ALEX: Oh, please mommy! Don't make me go back to that classroom, it's a travesty! The country is falling apart and these kids are sitting there learning to tell time. ELYSE: You're going to go to school Alex, and I don't want a repeat of what happened yesterday. ALEX: [reading the paper] Oh, mommy, my President is being impeached. How can you expect me to continue living the life of a normal second grader? ELYSE: I'm waiting for you to begin living the life of a normal second grader. SKIPPY: Walk to school today Alex? ALEX: Okay, Skippy. ELYSE: I bet Skippy didn't stay up all night worrying about Watergate. SKIPPY: Huh? ELYSE: How much sleep did you get last night? SKIPPY: Nineteen hours. ELYSE: [to Alex] You see? [realizes what Skippy said] Nineteen hours? SKIPPY: I came home for lunch yesterday and took a nap. I just woke up a few minutes ago. ALEX: Mommy, I'm going to skip breakfast, okay? I'm gonna get to school. ELYSE: It's almost ready. ALEX: I can't, mom. I have the Cub Scout meeting and I've got the kiddie Chambers of Commerce Lunch. ELYSE: Alex, don't go. ALEX: Mom. ELYSE: Don't go, don't go. [Alex walks to CENTER and KITCHEN goes dark] ALEX: Don't go, Greg, don't go. I could have stopped him, I could -- I should have told him. But we had a fight. A stupid fight, dammit. And now he's dead. He's dead, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. [Alex walks to OFFICE] ALEX: Where were we? PSYCHIATRIST: You were talking about the problem with your mother. ALEX: I wouldn't call them problems necessarily. PSYCHIATRIST: Sorry. ALEX: She's a mother. And that's what mothers do, they worry, right? PSYCHIATRIST: I don't know. ALEX: Alright, look, if you're going to take that attitude we might as well stop talking right now, okay? PSYCHIATRIST: What attitude? ALEX: You know what attitude. I'm gonna sit here, I'm gonna do all the talking, I'm gonna pour my guts out, and you're just gonna sit back there silently and be God, huh? Pretend you don't know anything. [looks at the diplomas] Wait a minute, you went to Grant College? PSYCHIATRIST: That's right. ALEX: Maybe you weren't pretending. Maybe you really don't know anything. PSYCHIATRIST: How do you know Grant College? ALEX: My sister Mallory goes there. PSYCHIATRIST: Let's talk about Mallory. ALEX: Yeah, okay. [MALLORY'S ROOM lights up, Mallory is there] PSYCHIATRIST: How do you feel about her? ALEX: I like her. I like her a lot. [Alex walks to MALLORY'S ROOM] MALLORY: Thank you Alex, that's sweet. ALEX: Well, you knew that, didn't you, Mal? MALLORY: Oh, it's nice to hear. ALEX: I love you. I love you very much. [they hug] Hey, what are you doing? MALLORY: I'm getting dressed. I have a date. ALEX: Oh yeah, with who? MALLORY: Greg. ALEX: What are you talking about? Greg's dead. MALLORY: Nobody ever dies, Alex, don't be silly. Greg's coming back in another life. We all are. ALEX: Nobody ever dies? MALLORY: No. ALEX: I wish I could believe that. Wouldn't that be great if that were true? MALLORY: It is true, Alex. You just have to accept it, you just have to believe. Read Shirley MacLaine. ALEX: Multiple lives. I could come back as me. I could fix the things that went wrong this time. I could warn Nixon about the tapes. MALLORY: You see, Alex, each time around you work on whatever problems you didn't solve in your previous life. Say you're a bad dresser in a former life, you could come back as a designer! ALEX: Mal, it must be so easy being you. It must be so simple. PSYCHIATRIST: Is it hard to be you Alex? ALEX: Hey, hey, do you mind? Okay? I'm talking to my sister. Tell me more, Mal, tell me more. What's heaven like? MALLORY: No matter what you eat, you can't gain weight. PSYCHIATRIST: Answer the question, Alex. Is it hard to be you? ALEX: You know the answer. Of course it's hard. MALLORY: They have these great stores there, Alex. They open at nine in the morning, and stay open 'til infinity. And Alex, Alex, one size fits all. PSYCHIATRIST: Why is it so hard to be you? ALEX: You know. PSYCHIATRIST: Say it. [Alex walks to OFFICE] ALEX: Because... PSYCHIATRIST: Yeah? Because? ALEX: Because I'm better. PSYCHIATRIST: And? ALEX: And smarter. [CLASS lights up, Mrs Leahy is there] MRS. LEAHY: I'll bet Alex knows the answer. ALEX: Don't do that to me, Mrs. Leahy. MALLORY: It's all so simple, Alex, and it's all so pretty. Why do you worry so much? MRS. LEAHY: Alex, tell the class what Christopher Columbus was really trying to do when he discovered America. ALEX: Why do you set me apart from the other kids like that? Makes me uncomfortable. They're all looking at me. They're all jealous. They don't want to play with me at recess. MRS. LEAHY: It's the price you have to pay, Alex, because you're special. [Alex walks to CLASS] ALEX: But I'm just a little boy. MRS. LEAHY: ALEX: Class, pay attention to Alex. I hated when she did that. She'd I'm sure our ***. I wish all call one me in that old maid teacher's of you could be a little more voice. "Alex knows." like Alex. MRS. LEAHY: Alex knows. ALEX: "Alex knows." MRS. LEAHY: Alex knows. ALEX: I was seven years old! You don't put that kind of pressure on a kid that age! I knew I had to be ready, because she was counting on me. Pushing me! MRS. LEAHY: Alex, please tell the class. ALEX: Columbus was really trying to find a quick direct route to the Indies, Mrs. Leahy. Ah, he was looking for spices but he found the New World. It was just an accident. It was an accedent! [Alex walks to CENTER and CLASS goes dark] ALEX: He should not have been in that car alone. I-I should have been with him. Maybe, uh, maybe he would have gone more slowly. Maybe I would have seen the other car. It was an accident. MALLORY: There aren't any accidents, Alex. Everything happens the way it's supposed to happen. We've all been here before. [MALLORY'S ROOM goes dark] ALEX: Mallory's really getting on my nerves, dad. I mean, why, why did you have to have another kid? We were doing so well just the three of us. STEVEN: Well, when you get older you'll appreciate her more. ALEX: Doubt it. STEVEN: Come on, you wanna have a little catch? ALEX: Oh, no, well, dad, I-I'm not very good at it. STEVEN: Well, you can't expect to learn it all in one day. ALEX: I learned Algebra all in one day. STEVEN: Well I know, but now you're starting school -- you have to learn how to play catch. ALEX: Okay. STEVEN: Okay, good. Look, I can get us some tickets to the Indians game on Saturday if you want to go. ALEX: Ah, the Indians? I don't like the Indians that much. STEVEN: How can you not like the Indians? They're in first place. ALEX: Not financially. In terms of cash flow the Orioles are the team to beat this year. STEVEN: The Orioles are fifteen games out. ALEX: Well, what does that have to do with anything? Their TV revenues are up fifteen percent. Ticket prices are up seven percent, these guys are doing great. They keep this up, they can buy the Indians. STEVEN: A whole new perspective on our national pastime. Well, come on, let's, uh, let's have a little catch, huh? Remember how I showed you? Just put your hands together, make a cup. Yeah, good boy. [Steven throws the ball and Alex drops it] ALEX: I'm sorry, dad. STEVEN: No, it's okay! You're trying, that's all that counts. [Steven freezes] ALEX: He was, he was always supportive like that. Just do it. Just try. Just have fun. That's all that mattered. PSYCHIATRIST: You have trouble with that attitude? ALEX: I don't know. Well, it's a little naive, isn't it? PSYCHIATRIST: I don't know. ALEX: There are winners and there are losers in life, and there's no getting around that. PSYCHIATRIST: So you think your father's a weak man then? ALEX: No. PSYCHIATRIST: But you just said... ALEX: Just let me finish. PSYCHIATRIST: Sorry. ALEX: I used to think that way. I'm embarrassed by it now. That I could be so blind to his strength. He has great love, my father. Not just for his family but for life. He doesn't have to make you wrong for him to be right. He doesn't have to make you a loser to be a winner himself. I wish I was more like my father. [Steven unfreezes] ALEX: Ah, dad! Another sister! How could you do this to me? STEVEN: Alex, some of these things are not controllable, you know? ALEX: I know, but you should have consulted me first. STEVEN: Alex, she's a beautiful little girl and we love her. You will too. [JENNIFER'S ROOM lights up, Jennifer is there] ALEX: What's this one's name? [Alex walks to JENNIFER'S ROOM] Steven: Jennifer. ALEX: You got a minute? JENNIFER: Sure. ALEX: What are you reading? JENNIFER: Kirkegaard "Internal Development of Man and Dynamic Representational Expression." ALEX: Yeah, well that's okay for fun. But later try to get into something a little more serious, okay? JENNIFER: I promise. ALEX: Do you ever think about it, Jen? Life? Death? The infinity? JENNIFER: Well sometimes I do. But sometimes I just want to tickets to a Van Halen concert. ALEX: Interesting kid, Jen. The only teenager I know who can combine Søren Kirkegaard and Eddie Van Halen in her life. It's funny she's back here in her room. There's a certain perfumy smell. Uh, it was her birthday, she was two. I didn't know what to get her so I got her perfume, because I figured girls, you know, like that. And it was on sale. And, ah, she spilled it all over her crib so now whenever I smell very, very cheap perfume I think of Jen. [CLASS lights up, Alex walks to CLASS, JENNIFER'S ROOM goes dark] ALEX: Strange thing about memory. Sometimes they can be more real than what we think of as reality. The smell of wet wool mittens on a radiator. That is the smell of Mrs. Leahy's class in winter forever! [Alex turns to radiator, Greg is putting mittens on] ALEX: Hey, those are my mittens. GREG: Are you sure? They look a little bit like mine. ALEX: Your mittens have dollar signs crochet in the palm? GREG: Sorry, I didn't notice that. ALEX: Hey, you're the new kid, aren't you? GREG: Yeah, I'm Greg McCorinth ALEX: Hello, my name is... GREG: I know who you are -- you're Alex Keaton, the kid who knows everything. ALEX: Who told you that? Did Mrs. Leahy say that? GREG: No, the other kids were saying it. They say it's great here all you have to do is just keep quiet, sooner or later Keaton rattles off the answer. How come you know so much? ALEX: I take some night classes...Ohio State. GREG: Well, I'll see you around I'm gonna go out and play for recess. Sorry about the mittens. Hey, do you want to come out and play? ALEX: Me? GREG: Yeah, you. You know how to play, don't ya'? ALEX: Well, I normally stay inside at recess and help Mrs. Leahy prepare tomorrow's assignments. GREG: Come on! There's a snowball fight going on. You know how to make a good snowball? ALEX: No. GREG: See, you don't know everything. Let's go! [Alex runs to CENTER and CLASS goes dark] ALEX: Don't know everything, don't know anything! Whatever it is I base my life upon is falling out from underneath me. PSYCHIATRIST: Do you believe in God, Alex? ALEX: I don't wanna talk about that, okay? PSYCHIATRIST: I'm sorry. Go on. [Alex walks to OFFICE] ALEX: You know what's bothering me? I mean really, really bothering me? Something I am having a very hard time getting past. PSYCHIATRIST: What's that? ALEX: I'm paying you for this! I'm paying you to sit there and listen to me. I'm paying a guy from Grant College to sit and listen to my life stories and give me advice Grant College -- the school that gives a course in opening umbrellas. PSYCHIATRIST: I got an A in that. ALEX: Alright, look, this is, this is pointless. I'm not getting any answers, I'm not getting any advice. I-I'm just sitting here doing all the talking and you're just pulling it out of me. PSYCHIATRIST: How do you feel about that? ALEX: How do YOU feel about that? PSYCHIATRIST: I asked you first. ALEX: You're really getting on my nerves. PSYCHIATRIST: What is it that you want, Alex? What is it you're looking for? ALEX: I just want to feel the way I felt when I was a little boy. That, that feeling of security, that feeling of safety. Coming home to my house on a cold rainy night. [KITCHEN lights up, Elyse is there] ALEX: I'd see the light on in the kitchen window, and I knew there was no place else I wanted to be. The colder I got and the wetter I got the more I enjoyed it, because I knew in two minutes I was gonna be in that kitchen. Safe and warm. Do you know Hemingway's story "A Clean Well-Lighted Place?" PSYCHIATRIST: I can't say I'm familiar with that, no. ALEX: That's right, I forgot, you went to Grant College. Alright, look, let me put it in terms you would understand, okay? You remember when Batman wanted to get away from it all and he'd go down the Batcave? PSYCHIATRIST: Uh huh, yeah! ALEX: That was the feeling walking into that kitchen. Walking in there was like walking into a hug. I'll tell you a little secret: sometimes I'd fake a little cough, a little sneeze, a little sniffle, to get a little extra attention. Hey, who's it hurt? Ah-choo! Ah-choo! ELYSE: You alright honey? [Alex walks to KITCHEN] ALEX: [with fake "stuff-cold voice"] Oh I'm fine, mommy, I just got a little cold. [turns and smiles at the psychiatrist] ELYSE: Just come on in here, I got your blanket ready for you. ALEX: Oh, mommy, stop. Don't go to all this trouble. ELYSE: It's no trouble. You just sit here, I'm going to make you some hot chocolate. ALEX: [to psychiatrist] Yes! Hot chocolate. One more sneeze, I get whipped cream. Ah-choo! [Elyse grabbed whipped cream from the top of the refrigerator] [MALLORY'S ROOM lights up, Mallory is there] MALLORY: Alex, are you just faking being sick again? ALEX: You're just jealous, Mal, 'cause you can't pull it off. See, I know how to do these things selectively. A little cough, a little sniffle. You come in and say, "I've got malaria. Can I have some hot chocolate?" [MALLORY'S ROOM goes dark] ALEX: Thank you mommy, I'm feeling much better now. ELYSE: Would you like some cookies? ALEX: Oh, mommy, stop it, okay? You're spoiling me. What kind? ELYSE: I'm your mommy, I can spoil you if I like. Chocolate chip? ALEX: Butterscotch. ELYSE: Good day at kindergarten today? ALEX: It was okay. We made pictures. [gives a drawing to Elyse] ELYSE: Alex, this is beautiful. This is the nicest picture you've ever given to me. ALEX: Thanks, mommy. I was thinking about you when I bought it. ELYSE: You bought it? ALEX: Uh, huh. Roger Zimmerman, the most talented artist in our class. Nothing's too good for my mommy. Oh, mommy, mommy, mommy, can we sing the song? ELYSE: Oh, yeah. [sings] Where is Thumpkin? Where is Thumpkin? ALEX: [sings] Here I am. Here I am. ELYSE: [sings] How are you this morning? ALEX: [sings] Very well I thank you. BOTH: [sings] Run and hide. Run and hide. [Alex walks to CENTER] ELYSE: [sings] Where is Thumpkin? [KITCHEN goes black] ALEX: That was, that was the sweetest tasting hot chocolate I ever had in my life. I'll never gonna, I'm never going to feel that safe again. That protected. NICK: A-a-a-a, Alex! ALEX: Hi, Nick. What are you doing here? NICK: What do you mean what am I doing here? These are all the people in your life, right? I'm in your life. ALEX: Nick, I'm paying this guy by the hour, okay? I don't want to use up any of my time talking to you. NICK: What, I-I-I you think you got nothing to learn from me, Alex? Huh? You don't think I ain't got nothin' to teach you? ALEX: No, Nick, I don't think you ain't got nothin' to teach me. [CLASS lights up, Mrs. Leahy is there] MRS. LEAHY: Alex! What kind of grammar is that? ALEX: Sorry, Mrs. Leahy. Just trying to make a point here. [CLASS goes dark] ALEX: Come on, go away, will you? You're getting me into trouble. NICK: Hey, hey, hey, you are just afraid of this side of me and you. ALEX: There is no side of you and me, Nick. NICK: Sure there is. [Start music] ALEX: [singing along] Born to be wild! Born to be wild! ELYSE: Alex, can we come in? [Stop music] ALEX: Just studying, mom. STEVEN: Fabulous report card, Alex. ALEX: Oh, well, thanks, dad. ELYSE: Listen to what your teacher wrote on your paper: "Alex knows more about economics than most people in America. I'm assuming this paper deserves an A, I don't fully understand it." STEVEN: We're very proud of you, son. ELYSE: Very proud. [MALLORY'S ROOM lights up, Mallory is there] MALLORY: I didn't know you liked rock music, Alex. ALEX: I don't like rock music, Mallory. MALLORY: I heard you playing rock music last night. Steppenwolf and Jim Morrison and the Doors. ALEX: Greg likes Jim Morrison and the Doors, not me. [MALLORY'S ROOM goes dark] [Start music] BOTH: [singing along] The time to hesitate is through, No time to wallow in the mire, Try now we can only lose, And our love become a funeral pyre. -- Come on baby, light my fire -- Come on baby, light my fire -- Try to set the night on fire. Yeah! [End music] GREG: Oh, man, Alex, I gotta go. I'll see you in school tomorrow. ALEX: Okay, don't forget to bring my homework, okay? GREG: Don't I always? ALEX: Hey, hey, hey, my dad said he might get tickets for us to the Indians game on Sunday. GREG: Your dad is the greatest. Can he get a ticket for my brother too? ALEX: Wait, don't go. GREG: Huh? ALEX: Don't go, okay? Don't walk out that door, don't go. GREG: I gotta go, my mom made supper. ALEX: No, no, don't leave, okay? Don't leave. Just stay here in this room with me forever. GREG: Alex, this is so sudden. ALEX: Just, just listen to me, okay? Okay? 'Cause I can't bare to see you go. GREG: Alex, two fourteen-year-old guys should be able to goodbye without crying. ALEX: No, you're not fourteen! GREG: I'm not? ALEX: No, well, you are now, you are now, but in a, in a blink you're gonna be twenty-one like me. GREG: You're twenty-one? ALEX: And-and-and you're gonna walk out the front door of this house and you're gonna get killed in a car accident. GREG: Alex, a simple have a nice day will do. ALEX: Don't go! Don't! [Alex collapses on the ground] ALEX: It's not fair! It's not fair! Greg should not be dead. He never hurt anybody. Why? Why? [MALLORY'S ROOM lights up, Mallory and Nick are there] MALLORY: Don't worry about it, Alex. NICK: A-a-a-a. [JENNIFER'S ROOM lights up, Jennifer is there] JENNIFER: I'm just a kid. [CLASS lights up, Mrs. Leahy is there] MRS. LEAHY: You're special. [KITCHEN lights up, Steven, Elyse, and Skippy are there] STEVEN: Keep trying, play fair. ELYSE: We're proud of you, honey. SKIPPY: Lie down, take a nap. [ALL SETS go dark] ANDY: Why are you crying, Alex? *** ALEX: Yeah, yeah, sort of. ANDY: Want me to kiss it and make it better? ALEX: Sure do. [Andy kisses Alex on the cheek] ANDY: Better? ALEX: Much. ANDY: You come home now? ALEX: Pretty soon, okay? I-I just have a few loose ends to tie up. ANDY: I'm gonna go home and get some hot chocolate. Ah-choo! [he gives Alex the "thumbs up"] ALEX: That's me. Seventeen years ago. Just makes me think how much I've been through in my life already from what I felt then. I don't want to die. And I-I-I don't mean, I don't mean I don't wanna die young. I don't wanna die middle-aged. I don't wanna die old. I don't wanna die. Ever. PSYCHIATRIST: Do you believe in God, Alex? ALEX: That's what this all comes down to, right? Doesn't it? That's what I'm trying to figure out here. [Alex walks to OFFICE] ALEX: Because if there is a God, somehow this all makes sense I mean, there's gotta be a reason. Some master plan in which Greg's dying and my living makes sense. PSYCHIATRIST: What do you think? ALEX: The analytical side of me says no. On a straight cost-efficiency basis you can't prove it. There's no annual report. There's no pictures of the board of directors. I mean recent ones. And, ah, there are a lot of things that just cannot be accounted for. [KITCHEN lights up] [Alex walks to KITCHEN] ALEX: But then there are these miraculous things. Phenomena of nature like, uh, like mountains and oceans and Skippy getting dressed by himself. [CLASS lights up] [Alex walks to CLASS] [Kitchen goes dark] ALEX: And you gotta think that somebody's helping out with that. ...The answer is yes...I do believe in God. [JENNIFER'S ROOM lights up] [Alex walks to JENNIFER'S ROOM] [CLASS goes dark] ALEX: But not a mean, not a mean, angry God, like the God you see on TV, with the preachers, and, and, and always asking to send them money. [MALLORY'S ROOM lights up] [Alex walks to MALLORY'S ROOM] [JENNIFER'S ROOM goes dark] ALEX: And, um, and not a groovy God, like Mallory's God. Matching sweat-pants and headband. [Alex walks to CENTER] [MALLORY'S ROOM goes dark] ALEX: And not a God like Brother Timothy's God either, 'cause I just can't believe that God meant me to stay away from girls. If He did He wouldn't have made me so cute I think God is gentle and forgiving and not one special form, you know? One day He's a dolphin, the next day He's trading shares on Wall Street. It would be funny if one day He got mixed up and went to Wall Street as a dolphin. PSYCHIATRIST: You surprise me, Alex, I didn't think you really would believe, a bottom-line guy like yourself. ALEX: Yeah, well, well, part of me is a little nervous about it. I mean, I like to know what I know. See it. Be able to prove it on a test. To know it, learn it, and be done, and I just got a feeling I keep getting tested on this one. PSYCHIATRIST: So what do you do now? [Alex walks to OFFICE] ALEX: Uh, Greg's dead, and I'm alive. And I can't change that. But I can keep his memory alive. I can take his sense of humor, and his energy, and his warmth, and I can make them my own. I can be the best Alex Keaton I can be, and I can use the gifts that I've been given. And I can take time to appreciate the beauty in this life. And I can, I can be gentle. And I can be forgiving and thoughtful. And I can make a lot of money. Because, well I'm sure God wants me to, because if He didn't, He wouldn't have made me so smart. I wanna, I wanna, I wanna talk a little bit more, ah, do we still have time? PSYCHIATRIST: Yeah, sure, sit down. ALEX: Alright. I got so much in my head now, I don't know where to start. PSYCHIATRIST: Start from the beginning. ALEX: ...My name is Alex Keaton. THE END
Episode Contents © Paramount Television
Last Updated (MM-DD-YYYY): 07-15-2002
