Intro. Music: Scene 1 (Kitchen. Present are Elyse, Mallory, Steven, Jennifer.) (Alex enters reading) Elyse: Alex! Glad you could make it down to the final thirty seconds of dinner. Alex: Oh, sorry Mom, I was in the middle of studying, you know if I was to break concentration at that point it would have been a fatal error. This week every minute, every second is precious. Mallory: Don't be so melodramatic Alex, what's the big deal about studying for mid-terms? Alex: (Dropping plate on counter) Why don't you try it sometime and find out Mallory? Steven: Alex, Mallory's been making great strides this year in her schoolwork, didn't you say you thought you'd get a 'B' in biology this term? Mallory: I did say that, I did think that, I was wrong. Alex: Anyway it's not the same dad you see I'm a senior, these are the last grades I'll get that'll count towards college, oh and on top of that the state scholarship exam is on Saturday. I'm probably gonna emerge this week a babbling idiot. Jennifer: You're a week ahead of schedule! Elyse: Oh Steven, your special's about to start. Steven: Come on kids you'll love it, it's called the Wolverine, a vanishing breed. Elyse: You know what a Wolverine is don't you Jen? Jennifer: Sure, it's half wolf and half nectarine. Steven: You better watch the show. (Steven, Elyse and Jennifer leave) Alex: Ah Mallory, can I talk to you for a second? Mallory: Why? What d'you want? Alex: It's just a small thing. Mallory: Well the size surprises me. Alex: Okay listen huh, I'm in trouble, I'I'I've got more work to do this week that, than even I can manage, I need your help. Mallory: Do you want me to write one of your term papers for you? Alex: (Looking dazed) This is no time for jokes Mal. Look, the help I need from you involves your friend uh Effi. Mallory: Effi, what do you want from Effi? Alex: Well does uh does she still take those uh diet pills, you know what I mean, amphetamines? Mallory: Speed? Alex: Ssh. Mallory: Yes she does. Why? Alex: Well t'they speed up your metabolism you know t'they give you extra energy, I uh I may need that this week. Mallory: Alex, Effi has a prescription for those pills, it's illegal for anyone else to take them. Alex: Oh come on Mallory you took one yourself a couple of months ago when, when you were on that diet. Mallory: Right and it was you that talked me out of taking anymore, you said they were dangerous and that drugs weren't the solution to anything. Alex: Oh sure, throw that up in my face. Look, Mallory you know me well enough to know I am not gonna abuse the pills, I probably won't even touch them. Mallory: Okay I'I'll talk to Effi tomorrow. Alex: No, not tomorrow, tonight, uh please, well it's the sooner I have 'em the sooner I uh don't have to take 'em. Scene 2 (Alex's bedroom - Alex typing on typewriter) Alex: Okay U.S. government honors class. Mr Wilkinson, title page (Pulls from typewriter) Herbert Hoover, the lost saviour by Alex P. Keaton. (Mallory enters) Mallory: Hi. Alex: So, did you uh, I'I mean were you able to uh - Effi. Mallory: Yes Alex I got the speed. Alex: Will you keep your voice down (Closes window shutters) we are dealing with illegal contraband here Mallory, what took you so long? Mallory: Effi didn't want to give up the pills she said she needs them for her diet. Alex: How'd you talk her into it? Mallory: She likes you Alex so uh I told her you'd go out with her. Alex: You what? I don't want to go out with Effi, she weighs three hundred pounds! Mallory: Well it's a lucky thing for you she does or she wouldn't have those pills. Alex: All right, all right, I'll go out with her (Hand outstretched) Mallory: Here they are, just be careful okay? Alex: Mallory, Mallory, don't worry your pretty little head over this anymore, I can safely say that there is virtually no possibility of me taking even a single pill believe me, I know what I'm doing (Mallory leaves and Alex shuts door) what am I doing? Drugs! These are drugs and I have them illegally (looks at container) Effi Blatz, take one every morning to control appetite. I'm not Effi Blatz! There's no way around it, you know if this ever went to trial, I wouldn't have a leg to stand on. I could wind up on a road gang for this, with Effi Blatz, course she would do all the heavy work. On the other hand, what choice have I got? (Looks at photograph of Richard Nixon) help me out here, I mean what would you do pressure mounting from all sides y'your entire future, your career hangs in the balance, would you do something you know was wrong? (Knocks photo down) Scene 3 (Living room: Monopoly game set up: Mallory, Jennifer, Steven and Elyse present) Elyse: (Shouting upstairs) Alex d'you want to take a break and join us? Alex: I'm really busy Mom. Elyse: We're playing Monopoly. (Alex jumps downstairs from landing) Then you'll join us? Alex: I can't believe it, you kidding me I'd love a game. Steven: I'I thought you had a lot of work to do. Alex: Well dad I was thinking, you know term papers and exams come and go but the family unit is the one true constant in life, (Mallory looks amazed) the precious hours spent in the familiar abode with loved ones playing a heat warming game such as this a'are what make memories that one can treasure for all eternity. Steven: When did all that occur to you? Alex: As I was coming down the stairs, are these dice in proper, working order? Steven: Yes all the dots seem to be in place. Alex: Okay, okay fine Mallory, you're first. Mallory: (Throws dice) ten, oh I'm on the jail square. (Goes to move piece) Alex: All right relax, relax (Moves piece) one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten you're on just visiting, okay uh my turn right, here we go, oh, oh nobody took the thimble that's great here we go okay let's have big scores for Daddy (throws dice across room) (Gets up and goes to look at dice) Wah, double threes, six! That puts me on oriental avenue, that costs a hundred dollars, I'll buy that. Jennifer: Okay my turn (Rolls dice) four. Elyse: Oh, income tax, you have to pay. Jennifer: Oh that's not fair, can I take a do-over? Steven: Sure, go ahead. Alex: Woh, woh (smacks Jennifer on hand) hold the phone, no do-overs. Page four of the rule book says and I quote- Elyse: Alex we're gonna let Jennifer take a do-over (Makes gesture for dice) here are the dice honey (Gives Jennifer dice) Alex: I won't stand for this, this is a travesty, this is a sin against capitalism, I'll be in the kitchen, you can call me when it's my turn. Mallory: (Pushes Alex into corner) Alex, Alex you took one of those pills didn't you? Alex: Nope, decided not to. Mallory: You did so Alex I can tell, you're completely out of control. Alex: Mallory, Mallory don't be silly, I'm fine. (Goes over to Monopoly game) Mom? Elyse: Yeah. Alex: I was going to give the kitchen floors a quick buffing, where do you keep the wax? Never mind, I'll use my hands. (Mallory shrugs) Scene 4 (In kitchen: Steven, Elyse, Mallory and Jennifer present. Steven is on phone) Steven: Uh no he isn't home yet Mrs Obeck but I pass along your thanks, I'I'm glad Alex did a good job cleaning out your garage, uh no I don't know why he did it either. I'm sorry he had to bread a window to get in. Bye bye. Jennifer: What has gotten into Alex this week? Elyse: I don't know but our floors have never looked better. Mallory: He's just trying to be helpful. Jennifer: He oiled my roller skates yesterday. Mallory: So? Jennifer: So! I was skating at the time! Steven: He has been in sort of a frenzy of activity lately I mean uh, even for Alex. Mallory: I don't notice any difference. Steven: No difference? Mallory do you realize how much work it takes to install a skylight. (Points to ceiling) (Mallory and Jennifer leave) (Alex enters) Alex: Great news, great news, I got my term paper on Hoover back from Mr Wilkinson 'A' plus. Steven: Nice work Alex. Alex: Look at this, look what he wrote on the front. Steven: (Reads) An incredibly well argued thesis I voted for Roosevelt four times, thank you for showing me the error of my ways. Alex: I also got a ninety two on my economics final and an 'A' on my English term paper, does anybody have any laundry they want me to do? Elyse: Alex, are you feeling all right? Alex: Never better. Elyse: You just seem a little hyperactive. Alex: Oh w'what your seeing here is simply my natural boyish exuberance, that's all (jumps on counter) it was bound to emerge eventually. Elyse: I just worry about you, that's all. Alex: Ah, Mommy (kisses her) nothing to worry, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna have a shower, gonna come back down, gonna make myself some dinner okay? (Steven and Elyse leave) (Mallory enters) Alex: D'you get more pills from Effi? Mallory: Yes Alex I did. Alex: Good, well, where are they? Mallory: I'm not giving them to you Alex you've been taking them all week and you've been acting very weird. Alex: Weird? Weird? D'd'do you mind giving me an example of this alleged weirdness (makes gesture with hands) in my recent behavior? Mallory: All right, why the sudden interest in Jennifer's doll house? Alex: That's not a sudden interest at all, I've been concerned for a while that her dolls were a little cramped so I built an annexe a, a little more breathing room for uh Molly and uh whatever the hell the other one's name is. Mallory: I'm not giving you anymore pills Alex. Alex: Mallory, I've got the biggest test of my life coming up I just want you to give me a couple more pills to, to get me by, that's all and then that's the end, over, finito. Mallory: (Shouting) No! you should be able to study without them. Alex: Oh uh I don't believe this, a lecture in study habits from the 'C' minus poster girl, come on Mallory, I'm not asking you for a dozen, just one, maybe two, how many you got? Mallory: No Alex. (Alex sees Mallory's bag on table and picks it up) Mallory: That's mine give it back! (Reaching for it) Alex: (Grabbing it back) In a second Mallory, in a second. Mallory: (Screaming) Alex you have no right to do this! Alex: (Extracts pills and gives bag back) thanks. Mallory: Don't ever speak to me again. Alex: Oh lighten up will yer. Oh and uh Mallory you know if you're thinking about telling Mom and dad about this you just keep in mind, you're not exactly innocent here either (Takes briefcase and leaves) ADVERTISEMENTS Scene 5 (Living room: Elyse sitting on couch. Jennifer enters) Jennifer: Is the miracle of life on yet? Elyse: Just started. Jennifer: What'd I miss? Elyse: Uh the sperm cell just joined up with the egg cell. Jennifer: What's that? Elyse: That's the inside of a woman's uterus honey. Jennifer: Anyone famous? Elyse: I don't know have to wait till the credits. (Alex enters) Elyse: Hey Alex good day at school? Alex: Yeah. Elyse: Did you have any tests? Alex: Fine, I did fine. Elyse: How are your papers. Alex: What is this, the inquisition? Elyse: Woah Alex who do you think you're talking to? Alex: I'm, I'm sorry, I'm sorry the, the, the tests went fine I got an 'A' minus on my term paper, I'm, I'm, I'm just tired that's all, have you seen Mallory? Elyse: Uh no. Jennifer: Uh Alex you're interrupting fertilization! Alex: What is this trash you're watching? Elyse: This isn't trash, Jennifer and I have been planning on watching this for weeks. Jennifer: It's the miracle of life, they show how babies are made. (Pause) (Television is turned off) Alex: The stork brings babies Jennifer, you're not supposed to know otherwise 'till you're twelve years old. Elyse: Alex! What are you doing? Alex: I will not allow this smut in my house! Elyse: This is not your house, this is our house, that is not smut and I don't like the way you're acting. Alex: Oh well maybe I don't like the way you're acting. Elyse: Okay Alex I don't know exactly what's going on here but I don't like it. You go on up to your room and don't you come down until you can be a little more civil. Alex: Oh, what, are you seriously telling me to go to my room? Elyse: Yes I am, no in fact I gotta better idea, first you clean up the kitchen, then straighten up the living room and then you to your room. Any questions? Alex: Yeah, yeah I have a question, I most certainly do. Which uh room did you want me to clean first? Elyse: Your choice. Jennifer: Look Mom what about the show? Elyse: We'll watch it upstairs. Jennifer: Good idea there's less chance of us being interrupted by Alex's housework. (Alex kicks chair in frustration) (Mallory enters) Alex: Mallory, Mallory stop. Mallory: I'm not speaking to you Alex. Alex: Mal, Mallory, please um I,I took the last one this morning and uh I'm starting to feel a little tired. I just need a couple more to get me through the test tomorrow. Call Effi for me please. Mallory: Not a chance. Alex: Mallory, what do you want from me, you want an apology? Okay all right I'm sorry. How about money? (Mallory walks away and leaves) (Alex goes to phone) Alex: Hello Effi, yeah it's Alex, so, where you been hiding yourself? Scene 6 (Alex's bedroom: Alex sitting on office chair) Alex: Okay the correct answer is, I believe the treaty of Wesfalia and if I'm not mistaken, huh, the year as sixteen hundred and forty eight (wheels over to another book on chair) ah, right again, this is child's play let's face it, I am flawlessly prepared for this exam, after tomorrow I can just pick my school (Gets up from chair and begins to paint wall) Harvard, yeah I think I'll go to Harvard, of course you shouldn't be too hasty here you knot the other ivy league schools are gonna want a shot at me, pretty soon they'll all be knocking at my door. (Knock at door) A ha, here's one now! Come on in. (Steven enters) Steven: I heard uh some noise in here Alex, I thought I- (sees partially painted wall) what're you doing? Alex: Painting my walls, d'you want me to do your room next? Steven: Alex it's uh three thirty in the morning. Alex: I'll put a drop cloth over you and mom you won't even know I'm there. Steven: Put down the paintbrush. Alex: It'll dry unevenly dad. Steven: Now Alex! Alex: You know dad I am so flawlessly prepared for this exam I am not going to miss a single question- Steven: I don't believe it, did you dig those trenches in the back yard? Alex: Yeah I did. Steven: Why? Alex: Underground sprinkler system. Steven: Alex, how many hours have you slept this week? Alex: I don't know, four? Steven: Four hours all week? Alex: So I've been peppy, so what? Steven: You haven't been peppy Alex you've been crazed! Alex: Peppy, crazed, tomato (Said in an American accent) tomato (Said in a stereotypical English accent) Steven: Have you been taking amphetamines? Alex: No, no, me no-way dad not me. Steven: (Sternly) Alex don't lie to me. Alex: All right, okay, I admit it I'I'I borrowed a few from Mallory's friend Effi, okay? Steven: (Sternly) No it is not okay! Alex: Look d'dad I just needed 'em to get me through this week look, look I'll prove it to you okay see these are all of 'em i'in the garbage, gone, I've taken my last one. Steven: That is not the point Alex, you shouldn't have been taking them in the first place no matter how much you had to do. Alex: Uh dad they worked t'they helped em, I have got more done this week than I ever thought possible, you gotta admit it dad, the stuff works. Steven: I know what it does I used it myself when I was in school. Alex: Oh, oh, okay then how can you get mad at me? (Alex sits on bed) Steven: This isn't a question of my being mad at you Alex i'i'it's much more complicated than that, (Steven sits beside Alex) look, I'm your father and right now I see you taking a risk with something you know nothing about, now this is a dangerous, addictive drug your dealing with, n'nothing else mattes to me except stopping you from taking it. Alex: You don't have to worry, I'm done with it. Steven: We're not done talking Alex, we'll talk more in the morning, we could uh both use some sleep, I know I could before I fill in those trenches tomorrow and uh I know you need to study. You know I'I pulled a few all-nighters myself when I was in school (Alex falls asleep) ah ha, I uh, I remember my room mate Roland Koonakouski, uh we use to call him the owl but uh it wasn't because he stayed up late. He could turn his head all the way- (Demonstrates and realizes Alex is asleep and covers him up) Next morning: (Alex sleeping) (Knock at door) (Steven and Elyse enter) Steven: He's still asleep Elyse, Alex. Elyse: Alex. Steven: Alex. Elyse: Alex wake up you're late for your test. Alex: (Semi-awake) No, no, Effi, no, get back (wakes up fully) mom, dad, what time is it? Elyse: It's twenty after eight. Alex: The test! Steven: It's already started Alex we thought you'd gone an hour ago. Alex: I~~~overslept, I can't believe it, I gotta get going (falls flat on face) Steven: Alex, Alex, Elyse get him up. Alex: Did I fall down? Steven: C'mon I think, now look I think you can forget the test. Alex: I gotta get going (facing wall opposite to door) door, where's the door, where are my, um, it's gotta be somewhere. The garbage (empties bin) Steven: (Grabs Alex) Alex, Alex, stop it, stop it, it's over, (Alex stops struggling) it's over. Alex: (Collapses back into filing cabinet) I never oversleep (thumps floor) never, never. I have one of those internal clock radios, I need that scholarship in the bank, (hits head against filing cabinet) damn! I blew it. Steven: Speed is like that Alex it'll keep you up for a while but when you crash, uh you crash hard. Alex: I can handle it. Elyse: Well look at how you're handling it y'you're on your knees rummaging through the garbage looking for someone else's diet pills. Alex: I guess I've had finer moments. Elyse: You know how you feel like now. Alex: Yeah. Elyse: Don't ever forget it. Alex: Believe me, I wont. (Mallory enters) Mallory: Alex, why are you still here? Alex: Now Mallory, I overslept, I missed the test, it was the pills I'I'I couldn't wake up. Mom and dad know about the pills, I told them everything. Mallory: You know I gave the pills to Alex. Alex: I didn't tell 'em that. Elyse: Mallory, you gave him the pills? Alex: (Gets up) She didn't want to mom, I pressured her into getting them from Effi. She even tried to talk me out of it, uh Mallory, I had no right to use you like that, sorry. (Jennifer enters) Jennifer: Something going on here I should know about? Alex: Yeah, yeah, I was just apologizing to Mallory for treating her badly and uh you too Jennifer for um being such a creep all week. (Alex hugs Jennifer but Jennifer is amazed at occurrences and just looks stunned as if Alex is cracking up) Jennifer: Am I on Candid Camera? Steven: Why don't we all clear out of here and uh and let Alex get some sleep, we'll uh, we'll talk more about this late, when you wake up. Elyse: From the looks of you that should be about Thursday. (Steven, Elyse and Jennifer leave) Mallory: You look awful Alex. Alex: How could I do this Mallory, I was out of control, it w- it w- it was like it wasn't even me, like I was somebody else, very scary Mallory. Mallory: It was scary for me too, I didn't know who you were, it was like you were a different person. Alex: Well uh (Wheels over on office chair) the old Alex is back. Mallory: I never thought I'd say this but I'm glad to see you. (They hug) oh, by the way um Effi called she said uh, when you pick her up tonight dress casual and she's hungry. END CREDITS
Episode Contents © Paramount Television
Last Updated (MM-DD-YYYY): 07-15-2002
